Puzzled

You know, I think I´m finally starting to become a mature, rational person. I don't know if being here in Spain has done it for me, or if it's something that's been developing for a while and I only just noticed it. You know, change has a funny way of doing that - sneaking up on you inch by inch until all you notice is the trail of dust it left behind.

Although my mind feels like a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle that a toddler has just dumped onto the carpet, there's this one clearing of my mind that just keeps repeating, don't worry, you know everything will be okay. You know this is all happening for a reason and it will all work out in the end. Strangely enough that voice sounds a lot like my mother's, but who would expect otherwise.
Let me start at the beginning. Well, wherever that would be. Everything is so jumbled in my mind that feel like pulling a Jackson Pollock and just throwing a can of words onto the computer screen and saying there - ya esta. But that's not exactly how life works is it?

It's May. I have been in Spain for exactly 4 months and one day. I have yet to see Andalucía. Basically, I have yet to see Spain. Spain is Andalucía, as my señora lovingly reminds me every day. The heat, the ferías, the flamenco, the toros, the flowers, the pueblos blancos overlooking the sea. I have enjoyed none of that. In May we have two long, four-day weekends. One of then has just passed, and as I said in my previous post, I stayed in Madrid and was perfectly content doing so. But that leaves me with one long weekend and two regular ones left. I have said since February that I refuse to leave this country without seeing Córdoba, Granada and Sevilla. Three weekends left and three places still left to see. A lo mejor, Mary, David and I are going to Córdoba this Saturday to see the Mezquita and the Fería de los Patios, which according to the news has transformed the city into the Jardin de Europa. The entire city is covered with flowers, and at the end, one wil be crowned champion.

Mary's buying the bus tickets today, so a lo mejor that will be seguro shortly. Let's skip over the dilemma with the puente for a second and move to the last weekend, which is when we decided to go to Granada. However, tickets for the Alhambra are disappearing faster than the water in the lakes of this thirsty country. The whole weekend of the 23 through the 25 is booked. So Mary and I have decided to go on the 29th. She's going to buy the tickets today, so similarly, that should be seguro by tomorrow.

Now, the puente problem. It's Jenna's birthday that weekend and she wants to go to the beach. Fair enough, everyone including me loves the beach. The plan all along was to rent a beach apartment in Valencia. Beach, apartment, friends, seems like a winning combination to me, no? Despite the fact that I've already been to Valencia, I decided, what the hell, it'll be with a bunch of friends and we're going more for the beach than the city. But plans still haven't been settled and it's a week away. Yesterday, (and I don't know why it took so long) I finally realized that this country is literally surrounded by coast. I think that's why it's called the Iberian Peninsula, after all. And coast with better beaches at that. But some of the group is set on going to Valencia. Which is fair enough, because that's exactly how I felt that weekend when I spontaneously decided to go.

But the apartment thing hasn't worked out, and now they're looking at staying at the very hostel that I stayed at when I went. And that, I think, is where I draw the line. Yes I enjoyed Valencia, but is it worth literally repeating the experience, especially when there are other more beautiful things in this country to see. No, not really I say.

But on that very trip to Valencia, where I spent a day by myself, I learned that traveling alone is quite boring. So, it seems I have a choice to make. Spent the puente with friends in a place I don't really want to be, or suck it up and just forge my own path down to Sevilla alone?

Now my other problem. My flight home is June 3. My program is kicking me out of my housing on May 29, May 30 at the latest. Here I've got some options: run away to Luxembourg for five days, travel (most likely on my own) somewhere in Spain, or just find a hostel/hotel and stay in Madrid. I'm thinking I'd like to just aprovechar and use the time I've got to travel around Spain, but that leads me back to my problem of traveling alone.

See how complicated I make my life.

But, I really do have another point here. Remember how I said I think I'm becoming more rational. Well, when the administrator in charge of housing got all sarcastic with me, I told myself I wouldn't get angry. And I didn't. I understand that I got a little overconfident with my first plan of staying here in Spain over the summer, and probably should have reserved my plane ticket for an earlier date. But at the same time, I really think that (just like everything,) there's a reason why things worked out this way, and soon enough I'll be home and I'll enjoy myself whatever I end up doing. God I hope I didn't just jinx my life by writing that.

But anyways, my point is, I didn't get mad. Okay, well writing it down and replaying it in my mind is making my blood simmer a bit. But no, I won't get mad I won't get mad. This happened over the weekend too, when I opened my closet and a hanger fell out and hit my lip so hard that part of me was about to cry and the other was about to let hell loose on this poor piece of metal. It was the spark that could have lit my temper's short fuse. But I didn't let it. After all, it's a hanger, an inanimate object. There's literally no sense at all in getting angry at it. So I didn't. See, I am learning to control this famously short temper of mine (probably about seven years too late, but hey, teenagers are supposed to be moody and angry right).

Speaking of crying - I don't know what I'm going to do when el momento de despedir finally comes. Last week, in honor of Mother's Day, (celebrated this past Sunday here in Spain), my señora's family came over for lunch. I was out picnicing in the park all day, but when I came home around 7 to eat dinner, some of the daughters and their husbands were still there. The meal had been potluck, and I think I ate the best gazpacho and tortilla of my entire life. While cleaning up, I asked Flori to send me the recipies of those and few other dishes. Well, today I opened up my inbox and in addition to the recipies she sent a couple powerpoints of Madrid, Spain and Portugal, for me to remember what I've already seen and to show me why I need to return to Spain. Watching those pictures flash across the screen, I realized how much I've enjoyed this past semester, meeting people, speaking Spanish, immersing myself in another culture, traveling around, and of course, eating and eating and eating and I found myself wishing I could just cry right now and maybe that would make it easier. Needless to say, I didn't even tear up, (and that's probably a good thing seeing as I was in the school library,) but being the drama queen I am, I figured that if my life was a movie, well cue up the wailing violin and let the waterworks loose.

Geez okay well after making myself out to be the world's biggest sap, I think I need to just end this post before I end up telling my life story here. After all, you're never supposed to pour out your entire soul in one place now are you. All right I promise, enough with the dramatics. I'm off to work on my presentation of the reinado de Carlos III, el alcalde de Madrid.

I'll keep you updated on the dramatic saga that is my life.